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Columnists' Corner - We bring you a different person each week!
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-=>THE ROYAL FLUSH
by Jefferson Bushman
"I Don't Do Windows"

At Patrick's invitation, this column will be the first in what is hoped
to be a long series.  The column is devoted to users -- like its writer
-- who are still operating "antiques," that is, non-graphical interfaces
(anyone remember DOS?) either because their computers can't use
Graphical User Interfaces (GUIs) such as Windows, or because they choose
to stick with older operating systems for some other reason.

The reality is that almost everything being published about and for
computers, whether in print or as software, deals only with Windows
programs.

But there are thousands, nay, millions of users who use and would be
willing to buy software that is DOS-based.

And we're not all "icon"oclasts.

Let's first explain to to those who are using 486s and Pentium-based
systems (and who are just waiting for the latest and greatest from
Intel), why we don't use Windows.

OK, some of us are a trifle parsimonious (don't bother to look it up --
it means CHEAP), but that's not the nub of it.

It's also not because we don't admire Bill Gates.  Personally, I think
highly of that goofy-looking guy with his owlish spectacles and his
predatory marketing practices.

I actually envy his ability to bamboozle the Justice Department's
anti-trust experts and his knack for getting hand-slapping settlements
out of them. I do.  Really.

Those are side issues, anyway.

The real reason (I hope you're sitting down, but I guess it's
unnecessary to say that; how many readers of this publication are
standing?) is that we don't need it.

OK, I hear the clucking tongues (wasn't that a rock group?) and see the
shaking heads, dismissing the GUI-shunners as windmill-tilting Luddites,
but those who would disparage us miss the point.

Back in the Neolithic Age, when I was selling computers for a living
(the '386s were just coming out), we used to have a joke about the guy
who'd come into the store, saying he needed a computer.

He'd say he wanted a '386 with the top clock speed available, with the
most RAM we could fit into the box.  He also wanted a laser printer that
would print 12 pages per minute and could adopt to color when it became
available.

He wanted every feature that we could load onto the system, the most
memory and the best monitor.

We'd ask what he intended to use it for (which shows that even
professional writers sometimes end a sentence with a preposition).

"Some word processing and an occasional spreadsheet," he'd respond.

As salespeople, of course, we would've been happy to sell him what he
requested, but the truth is, he didn't need all of that.

And neither do we, for the most part.

Those who don't use Windows (or need I say it, OS/2, Unix, etc.) have no
real need for it.

I'm a good example (though my ex-wife always said I was a bad example of
nearly everything, save one rather offensive body part).  Even today, I
use my computer for only a few things, although I use it a great deal.

I sometimes use it to earn a few shekels as a writer.  I do some
low-level (but excellent, of course) desktop publishing.  Once a
millennium, I decide to straighten out my finances, or create a way of
doing metric conversions by using a spreadsheet program.

Some of my income is derived by doing marketing letters which involve
utilization of mailing lists compiled in a database manager.

I'm also an internaut (internut?).

But for all of that, I use a (get ready to gasp) '286 with a monochrome
monitor and a 14.4 modem.

Tell me.  Why do I need Windows?

Virtually everyone I know who does use Bill's latest formulation,
Windows 95 (obviously it's already outdated) or one of his earlier
versions, has problems with it.

Although it's supposed to be intuitive, and while I'm sure everyone
reading this who uses Windows has it all figured out, lots of people sit
in front of their monitors, with keyboards on laps, mice close at hand,
scratching their heads.

My DOS 6.0 may have a bug, but I haven't found it yet.

Granted, I don't program -- other than the creation of some nifty batch
files -- so I may not be at the level of those who would encounter flaws
in the operating system.

But neither are lots of other people.

I know we're deprived individuals.  We're deprived of some really neat
graphics on the 'net that take forever to download, for example.

We're deprived of having to make payments on our computers which were
purchased for an amount equivalent to the GDP of Rwanda.

We lose out on the opportunity to read and listen to every pronouncement
of Guru Gates on the future of computing, so we'll know what operating
system update we'll have to buy next.

And, we're deprived of the experience of having to buy 8, 12, 14, or 20
megabytes of RAM for a gazillion dollars.  My machine uses 1.  Yes, 1MB
of RAM.  Very nicely, thank you.

I can imagine that someday, for some reason now unexpected, I may have
to bite the bullet and "upgrade" (a term of art, at best) to Windows 99
or 01 to do something on my computer that I need to do.

But not today.  Today, I don't clean bathrooms, and I don't worship
icons.  I most assuredly don't do Windows. -30-
   

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